Writing is hard

Or why I couldn't come up with something fun this week

Welcome back to Party of One! Please consider subscribing if you haven’t already — your support means a lot to me as a lowly little writer on the internet.

Content warning: The following newsletter discusses eating disorders and body dysmorphia. If these themes are tough for you, come back next week!

I don’t have much to report on what I’ve been eating and drinking this week because thinking about food was tough. Two weeks ago I mentioned that I’m working on my senior capstone project. It’s taken over a lot of my time, which I guess is a good thing because it means I care about it. I’m writing about my history of food loving and cooking, and with that comes a lot of emotions and some not-so-happy memories. I never imagined I’d be talking about this so soon with this audience, but here I am! It’s happening!

On Sunday, I learned that it is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week — the world works in funny ways, doesn’t it? You’ll probably see a lot of ED recovery content this week because of that, and I thought this IG post had some insight on how to share and absorb it.

christinejbyrne

A post shared by Christine | Orthorexia RD (@christinejbyrne)

In high school, I had a terrible, restrictive relationship with food. At the start of college it got worse. Only this past July did I realize (read: admit to myself) I was struggling with an eating disorder. I’m working on a full length essay about it, so I’m not going to go into it right now. The gist is this: I struggled with orthorexia and used vegetarianism as a form of restriction.

Now, you might be thinking to yourself, But Claudia, you love food! I do! I love the culture and memories that food creates, I love being in the kitchen, and I love feeding others. A classmate of mine once said, “People who struggle with eating disorders are obsessed with food,” and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. Although I love all the things I mentioned above, I’m constantly thinking about how those things will affect my body — on the outside and the inside.

Childhood memories

The restaurant memories I shared two weeks ago are part of an essay I workshopped in class about my food-filled childhood. The excerpt you read illustrates the memories I have from when food was still an innocent thing to think about. But, like many young girls who reached puberty in the 2010s, my self image was warped by social media. Seeing pictures of only one type of body on my iPod Touch (and then phone) led me to believe that I had to look that way in order to be “cool” or “accepted.” When I got to high school, I flung myself into competitive rowing, and quickly learned how my body could change if I worked it to exhaustion. The first year of college, I stopped taking care of my body all together and spent as much time as I could on the treadmill at the Union Square Planet Fitness (gross place to begin with).

And here I am on the brink of the “real world,” still unable to innocently think about food. When I work up the inspiration to share something with this audience, I’m proud of myself for writing. But sometimes when I’m eating the food I’m writing about, I’m doing so under a cloud of guilt.

Food media

My love for food starts and ends with food media. Growing up, we only watched a handful of channels on school nights. My parents feared too much “boob tube” would melt my little brain, so TV time was limited to HGTV, PBS, and Food Network. (I’m sure you can tell which one I loved the most.)

And now, I make my own sort of food media — which excites and scares me. First off, everyone and their mother seems to have their own food content out there nowadays; sometimes I feel like I’m talking into the void. What do I have to contribute to the conversation? What’s going to bring readers back next week?

And then there’s the ED. It’s hard to conjure up an interesting meal idea or compelling essay on food when I just don’t feel like thinking about it. It’s the guilty thoughts I have around food that keep me up at night, and old habits are ingrained in my practice.

Women in food

A while ago I started watching old Barefoot Contessa clips on YouTube. God, that looks good was a frequent thought, but so was Does Ina worry about gaining weight? I think the same thing when I see recipes from Carolina Gelen, Sohla El-Waylly, Molly Baz, Claire Saffitz, the list goes on…

Because of these thoughts, I find it impossible to imagine myself working in food and being happy. When I still considered myself a vegetarian, I was scared at the prospect of becoming a restaurant reporter one day and having to eat meat in order to write a story. Eating meat meant more than just eating meat to me. It meant letting myself down and losing validation from others.

It feels disingenuous to rave about a restaurant without being upfront about my thoughts during the meal. But who would want to hear about all the sad food thoughts I’m having while out to dinner? I think I’m on an okay path with it all, but the thoughts persist.

Food is emotional, and I think that’s why people are drawn to it. Who isn’t obsessed with their favorite snack or eager to try the new restaurant in their neighborhood? Food makes us feel things. Although icky ED thoughts still live in my mind, there are good ones in there too! This past weekend I proclaimed to my boyfriend that I should have more sweetened lattes and almond croissants because they taste delicious. I was proud of myself, and now I’m challenging myself to have some later this week.

So there’s no fun food tale to retell today. Writing about my relationship to food this week has taken a lot out of me. Food did not inspire me this week — it loomed over me like a cloud full of meatballs. Maybe next week I’ll tell you about dancing in the rain while eating a bowl of spaghetti, but for now, thank you for reading.

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, please check out the resources at NEDA.